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Don't Read This
April 10, 2004 at 1:28 a.m.
-No Music-
Feeling: Miserable
Things with Jared are dying and only I see that (or at least admit to seeing it). I feel like all he wants is to be friends, but he is just too scared to tell me so. I hope that he never tells me that. I can't even begin to describe how much I love him. It's like every time I see him my heart skips a beat and I just can't wait to take him in my arms and love him. When he's around I just feel so content, so happy. He says I don't show my happiness, but it's not like I'm hiding it on purpose. I want him to know that I'm happy, but I just don't smile a lot of the time. I think he wants to be with Ciara and I hate that, but I understand how he feels I just hope he will come to his senses. There's no doubt in my mind that she will hurt him, but everyone keeps telling me that I have to let him find that out for himself. I just love him so much that I want to protect him from her. I want him in my life so badly that I still feel like he is my boyfriend and that is why I refused to mess around with Daniel and Chris. That's why I didn't kiss David. That's why I don't flirt with anyone. I LOVE JARED ALAN CLARK MORE THAN ANYTHING OR ANYONE IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD. He is all that I want and I am all that he can't deal with. The reasons he can't be with me make me hate myself. I have to seriously consider suicide because I feel like this awful person who doesn't deserve to live. If I can't have Jared I don't know that I want to live. I think about cutting myself every nite. Just dragging the blade across my skin to feel the numbness that I used to feel. It made me numb to everything and when I was hurting I'd cut myself and let the pain bleed away. Now I just slowly kill myself with cigarettes instead. I would give anything for Jared to feel the way he used to about me, but he just makes me think that he never will. We've never had to be friends before and I can't stand it. I've already decided that I can't be his friend and if Ciara becomes his girlfriend that will be the end of our friendship until they break up. The only thing that got me over Chris was him moving away and the same thing will happen with Jared. I don't want to be over Jared and I don't think I will ever be as happy as I am when I'm with him, but I can move on if I HAVE to. I really don't want to have to. I need to go cry now. I'm wearing his clothes and cuddling his bunny just to feel a tiny bit close to him because he won't come close to me. When he says he might come visit I should just know that he means no. Can someone please make him come back to me? Anyone? I feel so fucking alone. I can't take much more of this.
:PLAYLIST:
:I
READ:
envyyou
jenifer-007
boysxkickxme
jarardlikesu
ending-here
DearJared
weneedariot
x-star-
blackout-
dana-elayne
emokid-112
xshebreaks
andwebreathe
kaydizzle
gloryxxfades
britneypink
eatxmexalive
yourmove-
darceek
onlydespair
girls-suck
greed-
amber163
fragiledeath
lovemeonce
xbeeyatchx
addisen
ifiwere
forever-emo-