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Use Me As You Please
April 03, 2004 at 10:32 p.m.
Listening to: "Broken Promise Ring" by The Ataris
Feeling: Used
Last nite there was a local show at Gresham Skateworld which I hadn't planned on going to, but at the last minute decided it would be nice to see all of my friends. I paid for my friend Corey from school to go because I wanted him to meet all of my friends and he had a great time as well. Christian was by far the best part of the nite tho. He was running around being crazy and making everyone laugh until their sides hurt. It was also nice to see my friends, the whole reason I was there. Rhi, Heather, Jared, Paul, and Tyler were probably the best part.
Of course, Ciara was there and that was the hardest part to deal with. Tara was going to pay me five dollars to punch her, but Rhi and Jared asked me not to and since I love them and didn't have the guts to do it I just avoided her. The worst part of the nite was that Jared wouldn't kiss me and just treated me like everyone else and it made me feel awful. Of course, I am just everyone else to him now and Ciara is something special. He just made me feel so used. It made me feel like he was okay with making out with me when it was convenient to him, but for me to want one kiss was just not okay. I feel like he is just using me for his pleasure, like this is some sort of sick game.
Today I went and hung out with David and we had a really good time. During the movie he even held my hand and it was adorable. I felt like a kiss goodbye should be had, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I just feel like I can't touch another boy because there is still some chance of Jared and I getting back together and that makes me life really hard because I can't move on. I don't know if I should move on. I know I can't force Jared into a decision, but I don't know what else to do. When he's ignoring me and making out with Ciara I just don't know what else to say or think. It's like he's moved on and just hasn't told me. Like I've said, this is just like Chris all over again.
After the show last nite I went to Adam and Chris's with Katie. Now the last time we were over there and they were drinking heavily Chris tried to mess around with me and I told him no and then things were kind of awkward between us so last nite I was laying in his bed with Katie and Courtney I felt really out of place, but then Courtney and Chris started making out and such. Well, Courtney started trying to get me to join in and I wasn't into that and neither was Chris. Soon it was two and Courtney had to leave so Dan took her home and I stayed in bed with Chris (Katie was in the other room) and all of a sudden he starts trying to mess around with me again. Seriously, can boys make me feel any worst? He was only doing it because he was all worked up from Courtney. Finally he passed out and I took Katie home.
Tonite after David and I went to the movies I drove to Century Sixteen to see "Dawn of the Dead" with Tyler (who looked so ultra hot last nite I wanted to rape him). He was late as usual, but I've come to expect that. The movie was really scary and I latched onto him like mad. I felt kinda guilty cuz he has a girlfriend, but I was scared and that was the only reason I was doing it. I didn't even try to hold his hand. When the movie got over he asked me if I had any cigarettes and of course I did because I always bring cigarettes when we hangout and I've been smoking a lot lately (a lot for me that is). So Tyler came to my car with me smoked a cigarette, took two more, and left. Yay, everyone uses Nicole!
I am just at such a loss right now that I don't know what to do or where to turn. I love Jared so much, but I just can't stand the way he's been acting lately. Everything is wrong. I feel miserable constantly, except when I'm with Tyler which gets me no where because we're only friends. Everyone’s my friend, nothing more. The only boy who does like me I don't like and I hate that because I know exactly how he feels and I'm sure this is how Tyler's feeling. I wish everything was simple again. I just want Jared back more than anything in the whole entire world. I wish I wasn't such a bad person.
I'm loving "The Waiting Hurt" by No Motiv today because of the line: "Let me wallow just this once and drown my sorrows in this glass". I've worked so hard to be straight edge that I can't just throw it all away because I'm heart broken, but I wish I could. Katie tells me that you're happy when you're drunk and I wish I was happy even if it wasn't real happiness.
All I've had to eat in the past thirty-nine hours is half a granola bar and half a sandwich. Shouldn't I be hungry?
Leave me notes full of love, wisdom and advice please.
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