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Thinking is Lame
2003-10-24 at 12:58 p.m.
Listening to: "Stay With Me" by Finch
Feeling: nostalgic
I'm so sick of being alone! Every time I'm left alone with my thoughts all I do is bring myself down. Of course this is nothing new for this time of year. I always start to think back to what I was doing this time last year, but this time is worst than the others.
My first thoughts were pleasant ones of Rocky Horror. It's hard to believe that not even a year ago I discovered my obsession. It feels like it's been a part of me forever.
Then I thought back to two years ago. It's been almost two years since Chris and I broke up. I wish so badly that I could put all that heart break in past and never have to think about it again, but I can't just forget that huge part of my life.
That also reminds me of Lisa and when my parents went out of town, and then her parents went out of town. That five day party was crazy and I met so many new people who I miss so much now. I haven't seen Robert since prom and I can't even remember the last time I saw Marcus... Hahhahaha... I can't believe I made out with Marcus at that party! I'm such a loser... I made out with Robert too. Damn, I'm a make out slut. Still those were all such good memories.
Now my mind leaves the good memories and thinks about Jesse. It's been almost a year since he asked me to walk him to his car. I still can't get that picture out of my mind. The way he leaned in to kiss me and held me against his car... And after all that why was I so stupid that I skipped class to go hangout at his house. The thought of what happened that day makes my stomach turn. I'll never forget running to tech. after fifth period to tell Neth what happened and having to watch Jesse on stage as he played a loving husband and snuck kisses to Amora backstage.
There's so much more that I'm thinking about and so many people that I miss. Why do the bad times always have to outweigh the good? I know it's not only my life that is like this, but it really feels like it. As hard as I tried to stray from high school drama I couldn't; I only created it for my self. I destroyed my senior year because of Jesse and I regret that so much. I wish I hadn't been so scared of the situation. I let him into me and let him hurt me which scared me from letting anyone get close to me so I just shut everyone out which resulted in the loss of one of my best friends.
I don't know why I'm wasting my time now complaining over it. I have the friends that matter the most... Okay, I miss Anjuli like crazy, but I've got some good friends. I just hate when the weather gets like this cuz it always brings back memories for some reason... Spring does the same thing. At least I have a while to deal with it before that happens.
Before I go I want to leave a list of all m y friends who I miss like crazy just because I want them to know that I do...
Cara, Anjuli, Benji, Brad, Deedra, Monica, Josh, Drew, Neth, Lisa, Sean S., Sean H., Amanda, Keo, Kacie, Ruby, Courtney, Erin, Elisa, Shawn, Tad, Ed, Tyler, Lindsey, Cherish... and so many more that I know will never read this anywhos...
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